save
the planet. kill yourself.
The trendiest and most rational environmental movement in decades
is that: Thousands of Americans, realizing that their lifestyle is
grossly incompatible with the continued survival of Mother Nature,
are Saving the Planet in the easiest and most effective way possible:
Suicide.
The American lifestyle is uniquely destructive. Americans are only
about 5% of the population of the Earth, yet we use over 45% of her
resources to support our automobile-driven, throwaway lifestyle.
The American lust for convenience is causing a species a day to become
extinct and fueling a runaway greenhouse effect that will turn most
of the Planet into a desert by the middle of the next century.
All of the food available for purchase at your local supermarket was
grown with vast amounts of chemical fertilizers and insecticides and
hormones. You cannot find food in this country that isn't destroying
the environment just by sitting there.
It is impossible to live without a car in the USA. The malls are too
far apart and the bus schedules suck and riding a bicycle is torture
because of the greenhouse effect. But cars are the single worst destroyers
of the Environment that science has ever developed.
You also can't live without electricity in the U.S. At least, not
conveniently. In some places it's illegal. The same goes for your
groundwater-fouling sewer hookup. Everybody has to go to the bathroom,
and it all ends up as pollution.
the
solution? suicide!
How
convenient. How natural. If you kill yourself, you'll no longer be
driving your CO2-belching SUV to a mall (built on landfill)
to buy petrochemical-based shoes (made with slave labor) and eat a
Big Mac full of hormone-soaked beef raised on what used to be Amazon
rain forest.
but how?
Until our fascist, earth-raping government institutes
a plan for shopping-mall-based suicide clinics where anyone of any
age can walk in, no questions asked, and lie down in a comfy chair
to receive a painless lethal injection while listening to Enigma,
we'll have to do it ourselves. Some methods of suicide aren't environmentally
sound (i.e. carbon monoxide), but this is a good starting point. Just
remember to take your cats and dogs to a no-kill shelter before
you kill yourself.
